So I actually have not yet gone back to work. I was supposed to have been back in January, but as the story below talks about, it felt almost impossible. I was no where near ready to leave Max. I wanted more time just us two.
To give the full story I have to start at the beginning.
When I was pregnant I originally thought 3 months was enough time to be on maternity leave (yes…I do realise that this is probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever said on my blog posts!) Luckily for me my boss is a family man and strongly encouraged me to rethink this time off. Which I eventually did. I was so concerned on letting my team down, or letting him down that I forgot to put me and this incredible little baby to be first. So a few months before I was due to leave, I extended my maternity leave to 6 months – and yes, I NOW realise that was going to be the second most ridiculous thing I would say on the blog.
The idea of going back to work completely freaked me out. The idea of leaving him…before he was saying “mama” or walking or any of those milestones I desperately did not want to miss, sent me into this blubbering mess. I mean, the sobs I would have were worse than my child’s. I was inconsolable and would just get this horrible feeling in my stomach the minute we even discussed me going back to work.
I was 100% NOT ready to leave Max. I want to be around for every single milestone.
Luckily, my husband was so incredibly supportive (most likely thinking “jesus…ANYTHING to stop her from crying”) and told me not to worry, and to discuss with work that I want to take the full year maternity leave. When everything was finalised it honestly felt like a massive weight had been lifted, from my shoulders and my heart.
Work have been incredibly supportive of this decision. They never pushed, or made me feel forced to come back too soon, totally understanding that this time with him is so precious and a time we will never get back. And let’s face it, I must have looked like a total utter basket case when I went in for my meeting to discuss returning.
Trying desperately not to cry (by this point even the word “work” or “leaving Max” sent me into this blubber-some mess), I sat there fumbling my words and only can assume came across a little…well odd is probably the best way to say it. Starting the conversation off with “Well I could come back for 3 days?”…”Actually maybe just 2 days with a work from home day also?!”…”Okay lets just do 1 day, and working from home that day” to finally admitting “yeah so, I think I need to take the year” (this literally happened in one sentence). Leaving everyone in the room a little bemused as to what it was I wanted to do. Absolute odd bod.
But f*ck, this is THE hardest decision I have ever had to make. You feel so torn with not wanting to let down the amazing company you work for, with not letting down the most amazing person in your life! All I can say, and what I was advised by SO many people is don’t be the blubbering mess/nut job I turned into, if you can! Take the year. Enjoy the moments you have with your baby! They really do only come once and god dammit, we carried them for 9 freaking months, it seems ONLY fair we get the same amount of time off (at least!!) to watch them grow.
I am now off until June – I will keep you posted on my developments and attempt to move away from being a total emotional wreck…but let’s face it, I will 100% be that mum crying in the hallway nursery, hands pressed against the glass being dragged out by my husband as my little one has a wicked time playing.